Well, this is my first blog entry here. I made one stab at a blog before, back in 2005, but this is going to be a more concerted effort, God willing, chronicling my journey to pull my life together.
And what kind of life have I had? Well, the kind of life that comes from someone who at thirty-three hasn’t figured out how to achieve his ambitions. I have Aspergers Syndrome, a form of high-functioning Autism, and on top of that, haven’t had a real job since leaving college. In many ways, I’m the living proof of a bitter social truism.
First off, I’m smart, or so everyone who’s bothered to give impressions of me has said, basically. Teachers, shrinks, cops, businessmen, even a drunk on the bus who once said I have intelligent eyes. I come across as so smart, even folks with higher IQs are impressed. Even my mother, who isn’t prone to complimenting me, admits that I think outside the box. I used to think this was primarily because I was a blathering, talkative know-it-all, but once my karate said the exact same thing after I’d been church-mouse quiet for weeks on end as he’d been training my uncoordinated self in the martial arts, which left me puzzled as to why.
Normally, people who come across as do have high five-figure, or six-figure salaries. Normally, society finds uses for people like me, because they find us interesting, and dare I say it, useful. Believe me, I want to be useful, to society too, and yet society can’t seem to interface very well, and thus I’m on the outside, looking in.
The reason why is because emotional intelligence outstrips IQ, friends. Normally, if you can just tread water, socially, and have undue smarts, you’ll go pretty far, but if you’ve got a social deficit, it it will just swaller ya up because only 15% of success is IQ, and the rest emotional, they say.
No, I do not believe in giving up, friends, but it is frustrating. I’ve got a lot ideas, but as of now, the inablility to execute; shrink even filed in his report that I was fit for little more than “light janitorial work.” Over the years, I’ve honed my skills, but I’m still a social Philistine. I may have bridged that gulf from 85% down to 66%, say, but it’s still a chasm.
It doesn’t help that I’m naturally dogmatic. Arguing energizes me, but it doesn’t make me very lovable. I’ve tried to leverage this tendency to constructive ends, but most people, I’ve found, are pansies, which has left me isolated because I’m not able even to focus on developing my strengths because there’s no one to hone them with.
In terms of the Myer-Briggs personality test, I’m a total INTJ, which affirms my best and worst tendencies, leading to immense open mindedness on the one-hand, and supreme stubbornness on the other. I prefer seeing myself as an INTJ rather than someone disabled, but I must still live with my tendencies in any event, and it ain’t no picnic.
At my best, my drive to perseverate allows me to sees things that others miss, or take for granted. At worst, my mind sifts facts compulsively, unable to let go. At best, I’m wonderfully self-aware. At worst, I navel-gaze. At best, I’m a compelling conversationalist. At worst, I hog the dialog, going on and on about what I want sans regards for others. I’m a man of extremes, and I know it.
At any rate, I’m trying to go forward with my life despite my liabilities. I’ve been told at various times how insightful I am, despite my burdens, and hopefully you, my audience, will find some value in them too. We all have holes we must crawl out of, so I hope you can relate.